Take a Deep Breath...Now Refocus That Energy!

For those of you who know me personally, you know I'm working towards a Masters degree in Psychology. If you know this, you probably also know I am a stay at home mom, I am the spouse of a currently deployed soldier and I am at wits end with my Statistics "professor." All of these things equal out to STRESS!! I'm not naive enough to think I'm the only one with stress, or that I'm the only one in my type of situation with stress, or that there isn't some one (many someone's) out there with more stress than me...I know all of these things are true. However, knowing they are true for other people does not reduce the fact that my stress is there for me and it is my responsibility to diffuse it somehow. Ah, the old self responsibility value, going strong here, maybe a little too strong as I try to take responsibility for everything imaginable that comes to me, lol.

This past week has been a nightmare, not the worst nightmare I've ever had, but enough to catch me with a short fuse, and unfortunately those in closest proximity get the worst of the explosion (I can't apoligize to my children enough! We've talked about how wrong Mommy has been for the way she has acted and I vowed to find a new way to express my frustration; a lesson I talk with my children a lot about when it comes to tantrums...I throw big ones too). So, here's the deal, with the high level of stress, it makes the small things seem to be mountains, and the only thing I'm hearing is "you can't do this!!" However, that's my voice and no one else's, in fact, everyone else is screaming with confidence "YOU CAN DO THIS!!!" Goes to show you how easy it is to hear things when they are close, this is another reason why self responsibility is so important! The more I've told myself "I can't" the more I've believed myself and the more down I've gotten. The more down I've gotten, the more the stress builds (all that pressure coming down on my shoulders), the more the stress builds the more I find things wrong in every situation, and the more I find things wrong in every situation the more negative I get...and you see where this horrible cycle is going.

How on earth am I going to get myself out of this cycle!! Well for starters, let's see what I can do about stress. Is there anything I can remove from my life? *looks around room, checks day planner, mental inventory of activities* No, nothing I can remove. Since I can't remove anything I need to do something about organizing and managing it better. If anything I need to add more things to my planner. What's that you say? Am I crazy? An already full planner causing immense amounts of stress and you want to add things! Yep. I guess I am crazy. I never denied that, however, I promise you, what I'm going to add will actually save me time and sanity. What I need to add is a little something people refer to as "me time." Yep, you heard me right. I need to squeeze some time in every day to do what I want to do. This me time cannot include Facebook or pointless games. I suppose blogging will be okay, but it can't be about anything but something I WANT to write about, and it can't be negative (which I try not to be). Once I add in some me time, I should find that I am happier and more productive. This will be a huge stress reliever. Both because it will give me a chance to relax and also because it will make me more productive, which means getting more of the clutter cleared out (mental, emotional and physical).

In other words, I need to refocus my energy on the positive and not the negative. Here is one way I am doing that. Remember that Statistics professor I mentioned? He hasn't been a good teacher, and I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, that maybe, just maybe something is going on in his life causing this. So, rather than my perception of him get me down and let it affect me, I'm going to do the best I can with what I have. Therefore, I'm going to work my butt off and still get an A in the class, even if he doesn't help me out with it! Now, this plan is a little late since I'm on finals week for the class, but it's a lesson learned. Refocus the energy from a negative to a positive. I built up so much energy worried about what he was going to do, that I failed to put just as much or more energy into what I was actually doing. This is how people and situations can consume you if you let them. Take control of your life and don't let other people lead you around by the ear. You are responsible for you. I'll be practicing refocusing my energy, I hope you'll give it a try too if you need it.

Brightest Blessings,
~Ava

Family Values

One thing I agree with whole-heartedly is the separation of church and state. One thing I disagree with whole-heartedly is separation of "church" and family. Before anyone gets up in arms and chastises me for alienating people who are not religious, who are Athiest or who have made the personal choice to not introduce their children to religion until they are older; I'm not against any of those things. They are all personal choices, and I respect them all, and frankly, they all can fit nicely into what I am about to say. In actuality, we have made the decision to expose our children to as many different religious paths as possible so they can learn to explore other cultures and choose the faith that best suits them, but now I'm getting away from my point.

Let me clarify my very brief statement above. When I say I disagree with separation of church and family, I mean that in my personal faith, not yours or anyone else's, my religion and my spirituality are a part of my everyday life, all day long, everyday. Through the day I make sure my actions match the spiritual teachings of my faith, and if it comes down to me "acting" or doing the opposite of my teachings, then I explore the reasons why I am not fully embracing the spiritual lesson. Because I practice my faith in everything I do, meaning it is a lifestyle, my family is involved, both directly and indirectly. As a stay at home mom, how can my faith and religion not touch my family, my children? They are with me almost 24/7, we plan to homeschool and keep me home with the kids as long as possible. If I were to separate these two portions of my life I would be neglecting one or the other. Both are important, and both can be lived together.

Being involved in my family is a strong value of mine. It is important for me to instill good morals and values in my children, and those morals and values include teaching them to question the norm, explore the world and often, as much as I hate to admit it, disagreeing with me and forming their own opinions and choices. If I am not practicing my faith daily, I am not fully experiencing my lifestyle choice. I don't know if all Pagans embrace this value, or even all people. I'm sure there are other critiques of this point of view, but it works for me. I look at the past, the cultures and our ancestors who lived before us and I can see how spirituality and myth was incorporated into so many details of the day. I am inspired by the past, and I find no reason to shield my children from anything spiritual. It will enhance their life by being aware of the many teachings of the world, and I only find good in that.

My family is important to me, my spirituality and religion are important to me. There is no reason why I need to separate them, and I full embrace taking these two separate circles of my life and converging them into one. Sort of like a marriage of sorts.

Bright Blessings,
~Ava

Waffles, Ice Cream and Spirit

I read somewhere, in an article about coping when a military spouse is deployed, that it is okay to have waffles and ice cream for dinner. So what does this mean? Because my spouse is gone, it's okay to not eat so good? It's okay to not care about my kids nutrition? Or even that maybe it's the only thing that tastes good, so nah.

Well, while I wouldn't put complete truths into anything but that last one (my healthy cooking always tastes good!), the truth of the matter is, it's okay not to get everything done. It's okay to be mellow. It's okay to take a day or two during the week and not feel the need to prepare a hot dinner that takes an hour or so to make (that's the norm when I cook). Hey, this statement doesn't even stop at food. It's okay not to have the house white glove clean. It's okay to skip the vacuuming for just one day (or two or three). What about the laundry. As long as everyone has something clean to wear, it will still be there tomorrow.

Who is watching this Martha Stewart life I'm attempting to create for myself? I have yet to catch my neighbors peering into my house through the grime on the windows. The friends I do have who come over don't seem to mind, and if they do, they keep their mouth shut. I've even had friends come over and help me out a bit with the cleaning (thanks guys, you have no idea how much I appreciate it!). Sometimes I need to be given permission not to be perfect (far from it I am!). If you ask my husband, he will tell you I am perfect the way I am, even if I do think I have flaws (I do), he looks right past them.

While I don't want to live in a pig pen, I also don't want to spend all of my life cleaning my house or caring about those little things that really don't matter in the end. I want to spend my time with the things that do matter. I want to play with my kids, read the great words written by others, explore my hobbies and talents, try new things and just enjoy life. If you spend all of your time worrying about what other people think of your house, even though the majority of them will never see it, that seems to be a waste of time and a hard knock on the spirit.

I say, recognize when a day just needs to be a lazy day and run with it. If that means waffles and ice cream for dinner, then it's waffles and ice cream for dinner. I'm sure your spirit will thank you.

Listen With Your Eyes, Ears and Heart

Listening is an important value to me, it is also one I struggle with daily. While I do my best to listen to my children, other people I am in a conversation with, listening to myself (my body, my intuition, my conscience), and listening to the Divine; I often have trouble giving my full attention to any one of these areas because another area is always speaking at the same time. If you've ever seen the movie Bruce Almighty, it reminds me of the scene where Jim Carrey hears all of the prayers of people in the area all at once, and he is unable to concentrate on the people he is with, his own thoughts or even single any one of those prayers out. A one on one conversation is easy to give full attention to, but start adding additional "voices" to the mix and it can quickly become a jumbled mess.

When multitasking listening skills, it is easy to miss out on so many important details; body language to help with the full story, and hidden messages written between the lines. I'm one of those people who have a hard time slowing down to truly appreciate these important details, but I'm getting better at it. One thing I am thankful for is that I don't have a cell phone tying me down. I'm not saying that having a cell phone is bad, however I have yet to go out to run an errand and not see some one talking or texting while their kids are trying to tell them something. While a child's words may not always be important (sometimes they are very much!) the attention we give them is. I find that I really must emphasize here that just because I observe someone on a cell phone does not mean that they are on it all the time, or that they miss messages all the time. I appreciate that what I observe may be a one time deal, or an emergency, but we can't deny that not every person on a cell phone is doing so because it's an emergency. Being able to put the cell phone down, helps us reduce just one more distraction.

I am not perfect, I do not claim to be, I have my issues too. I may not have a cell phone, but my downfall is my computer. When I am home I am either blogging, keeping up with friends on the dreaded Facebook or doing homework. While I do spend time gathering homeschooling materials for my kids, I know I need to shut this dang computer down and go play with them. Luckily this post spoke to me, and through the writing of this I have shut down the computer to play with the kids. Which is why it has taken me a week to write it!

Speaking of my kids, I remember one story in particular. Life with a brand new baby and a toddler, who wasn't even two years old yet. I cannot tell you how amazing my older daughter is. She adjusted to life with a new sister extremely well. She wanted attention, but she shared her Mommy and Daddy gracefully. This only made it that much easier to give the baby all of the attention she needed...which, of course, led us to give a bit less attention to our toddler who was used to getting 100% attention from us. On one particular day my toddler was giving me hints that she wanted more attention. She was trying to climb in my lap while the baby was eating, she kept bringing me toys so I could see how great they were, she was pulling on my arm, poking at my leg and every attempt for attention was met with "that's great honey, as soon as the baby is done *eating, changing diaper, putting down for nap, burping, bathing, etc* then I'll have some special time with you. Finally she couldn't take it any more. She stepped back and let out one solitary, forceful, scream at me. It wasn't a temper tantrum, it was the only way she knew how to express her frustration with me and it surprised both of us. It seemed like she hadn't expected to do it, she just opened her mouth and out it came. That was the message I needed, I felt horrible for pushing her away. I put the baby down and ignored the crying to pick up my toddler to hug, kiss and comfort her. She only wanted a snuggle to let her know she was still loved. When we don't listen to the little messages often we will be given a big message to make the point.

In the case of kids, if you listen to them, I've found they are a lot more well behaved (this is not a fool proof plan though, kids will always have their moments). This message of listening also plays into other areas. If you listen to your body, it will give you signs of when it needs attention. There will always be little signs of stress to head off before you blow up. Mother nature gives us signs about how we are treating out world. If we don't listen to the little stuff, the big stuff starts coming out of the woodwork as it builds up. There is always something to listen for. Learning how to pick out what is important is a hard part of this that I'm struggling with, but I'm getting better. Maybe part of this is building intuition. Part of it could be getting priorities straight in life. A big part of it is being okay with letting go of the multitasking part of our lives and taking the time to reflect on ourselves, our families, our friends and our Spirit.

Grounding and Prayer Circle

I've mentioned once or twice before that I have a friend who is fighting cancer. She is in an acceptance stage, but the acceptance is in the terms of "everyone dies sometime, no one gets out alive." I respect her for taking the news and communicating it to friends and family so gracefully, however I don't want her to give in too easily.

Weekly a group of spiritual friends are gathering at my house to send prayers and energies to our friend with a focus on energy that is needed. Another of our friends has looked cancer in the eyes and kicked it's ass to the curb, so I am leaning on her to help guide us to a focus that will be most beneficial based on our friends unique needs. Our first circle was held last night, and the focus was grounding.

I've never been a good prayer writer, other than my own casual prayers I say daily, so I did a bit of searching. I was unable to find any Pagan prayers that met our needs, so I found some prayers from other religions and reworded them to fit our focus. I have included my adapted prayers below. Once we called the quarters we began the circle with a guided meditation for grounding. I felt this was appropriate, because how can you you send someone else grounded energy if you are not grounded yourself. Again, I am not good at writing meditations, so I used this Tree of Life Meditation after a search online.

Our circle went well, and I hope we can continue sending positive, supportive, beneficial energies to her when she needs them. We plan on her being here for a long time, and won't give in without a strong fight!

Prayers:

Earth my body, water my blood, 
Air my breath and Fire my spirit
We welcome the elements of the directions, we thank you for your presense as we send our healing and grounding energies to our spirit sister, (insert name here). Hail and Welcome.
~Altered from well known Pagan chant to a specific focus quarter call.

*************

Goddess Mother
Nuturer
Healer
We come to you seeking help
Help to rid of these nasty cells
they have forgotten what their purpose is
they have lost their health
restore the health
destroy the sickness
heal
Find the healthy cells
Find them and guide them
Guide them to destroy the sick cells
Put chaos in it's place.
Remove it from this body
Remove it from the cells
Help the body heal
This we ask of you, Mother
So mote it be.
~by Luna Skye

*************

Lord and Lady, You invite all who are burdened to come to you. Allow Your healing Hand to heal our dearest (insert name here). Touch her soul with Your compassion and help to keep her grounded and strong. Touch her heart with Your courage and infinite Love. Touch her mind with Your Wisdom and inspirational breath. Most loving Heart of the Divine, bring health in body and spirit to (insert name here) as she fights this great battle to reclaim her body. Touch gently this life which you have impressed you message upon, now and forever.
Blessed Be.

*************

Lord and Lady, look upon our friend, our sister, (insert name here), with eyes of mercy, may your healing hand rest upon her, may your life giving powers flow into every cell of her body and into the depths of her soul, cleansing, purifying, grounding and restoring her to wholeness and strength. Blessed Be.

************

Nurturing Mother and Healing Father, by the power of your love, drive away from (insert name here) all forms of sickness and disease. Restore strength and stability to her body and joy and grounding to her spirit. Bless her with your masterful touch as she has touched many with the love you have graced her life with.
Blessed Be.

Little By Little

There is a song on the kids radio station that I hear frequently. It's called Little by Little, by Dean Jones and Jerrice Baptiste. The song is about a little bird building a nest, little by little. For a kids song, this image has a lot of meaning to me. There are so many things in my life that I want right now. When I was a kid I didn't want to practice piano, I wanted to be able to play it correctly right now. As I got older I didn't want to waste my time gaining valuable experience to better myself at my work in order to be promoted, I figured I was good enough now and wanted a promotion now.

Now, now, now, NOW!

Through meditations, experiences and just taking time to slow down a bit from the fast pace of life I have learned that maybe this little by little theory is right. Little by little I learn how to live and implement a healthy life so I can lose the extra pounds I put on slowly. I put the weight on slowly, why should I expect to lose it fast? Little by little I am getting my house clean and organized. While much of my mess happened slowly (the tornado damaged caused by my whirlwind children is a rather quick mess), I can't expect to get it clean and organized quickly.

The same concept goes for building a strong relationship with the Divine and cleaning up any emotional or spiritual messes. It will happen if you work diligently, little by little. I have lived by the concept for a long time that we need to build a relationship with the Divine. You can't expect to sit down and pray once and know all the messages and ins and outs of the Divine just like that. It takes time, little by little we get to know the Divine and how messages are sent to us, how prayers are answered (sometimes by being unanswered) and how we can spread love and compassion wherever we go. This isn't something that we will suddenly know, it takes practice and work.

As we get to know the Divine and build a relationship, we can start to clean up those emotional and spiritual messes that occur through our lives. Don't worry, everyone has them. Everyone's "mess" is a bit different, but it can all be sorted out, fixed and cleaned up through the Spirit. Please note, that sometimes the spiritual message is to get help from a third party...the Divine will help those who help themselves! These messes come in the form of guilt, depression, jealousy, hurt, sometimes even love and kindness can create a mess, believe it or not. While spirituality is not the only path to healing these "messes", for a spiritual person, it is a great place to start.

However, never forget that lesson of the little bird. Little by little.

Blessings,
~Ava

Healing With Prayer Shawls

Tonight I will be joining efforts with a friend of mine to create prayer shawls for a mutual friend of ours who has been diagnosed with cancer. We will be creating two beautiful shawls from the book The Prayer Shawl Ministry: Reaching Those in Need which tells the story of the Prayer Shawl Ministry from Grace Presbyterian Church in Arkansas.

There are a few things that I like to do when I create shawls and blankets for others.

1. I always say a prayer before I begin. This is sometimes done with a lit candle, sometimes it is not, depends on the situation, time, etc.

2. I cannot work on the shawl if I feel any negativity at all. While working on it is peaceful and puts me in a better mood, I do not want to risk putting any of that negativity into the work. Therefore, a positive demeanor is essential.

3. I like to meditate on the purpose of the shawl and who it is for, sometimes doing a chant quietly to myself while creating.

4. Colors are important in the creation process. I try to match a color that is right for the individual and the purpose.

Those are the main points I follow. It is important for me to focus on the person who will receive the shawl and put as many positive energies into the shawl as possible. I look forward to working on the shawls tonight. I am hopeful that we are able to create them quickly so they may be used as soon as possible.

Brightest Blessings!
~Ava

Melancholy

Well, today marks the first day of a new 7 month journey. It started out pretty flat; less emotional that I had expected, and currently has me in a state of melancholy. I dropped off my husband at the airport today and won't see him until sometime around Thanksgiving again.

Depression has many emotions, really I find it is the normal emotions amplified, at least that's how I feel with it. However, today is a very flat emotion. I find tears running down my face on occasion, but I don't have a lot of strong emotions behind them. I'm not frustrated, I feel calm, but I don't feel happy. I'm in a state of contemplation and meditation, which is probably something I need.

I am looking at the many things I have going on for myself, and thinking about how to stay busy in the least stressful way. My margin of error is very small on either side of the stress variable, meaning I get stressed if I'm too busy, and I get stressed if I'm not busy enough. When the margin is small, I have little room for error and usually I find myself hitting one stressful side and overcompensating and throwing myself into the other realm. I really need to utilize the schedule I was originally going to set up for myself a few months back, maybe now a detailed schedule would help me out a bit more.

I'll also be trying to get more involved in some local, positive, healthy lifestyle groups to see if that helps. I find I'm lacking a positive support system (I do have some awesome people taking care of me, you guys are my positives!). I hope getting more involved with this group will help keep my motivation up for losing weight, and get me some additional support and relaxation I need.

It's been a great two weeks having my husband home. Now I'm just going to sit and relax for the day. I don't have anything planned other than homework, so I'm not going to let this day get to me. I'll just keep moving and get some things done, that should help quite a bit.

Blessings on a new beginning,
Ava

Joy and Death

Last night America surprisingly received the news that Osama Bin Laden was dead. This news met me with mixed emotions. Here I was happy that so many people are finally receiving some sort of closure for the horrible actions he masterminded (although there is some arguments suggesting he was not behind the terrorist attacks on 9/11). However, I cannot help but reflect on my own personal morals. Is death by another's hand ever really moral? Even considering the horrendous acts committed by his direction? This is in regard to official violence, which refers to the acceptance by society on violence directed by authority which is stated to have a benefit to society. Am I for or against this type of violence? It's hard to say, there are so many angles, it is not a clear cut dilemma. I do not like conflict, but I recognize it exists and I know it has to be addressed. I also know that we need to defend ourselves from the uncontrollable action of others, both personally and as a society.

One thing I do feel is that celebration upon a death is not right. I acknowledge the significance of the death of Osama Bin Laden, and I have announced it publicly, with a slight corner of my mouth turned up. However, along with my announcement I also directed to another important point, the war is not over. This statement means a lot of things to different people. It means there is still war. There is still fighting. There is still death. It also can mean that we are one step closer to the end, and also, that step is bringing closure and "justice" to many other people who lost their lives or lost loved ones in the attack.

Many other people are celebrating. They are adding an element of joy and celebration to this death that bothers me. People are glorifying this death, and treating it as a war trophy, which it is not. It is not a trophy for a person to pull a trigger and willingly kill another, no matter which side of the fight they are on. It may be considered a necessary action, which I do not deny, however that person may have emotional stressors about this for the rest of their life. Not to mention all of the troops who have been emotionally and physically scarred through the last ten years of fighting. This death is not one to be celebrated. It was necessary and it is done. It is time to acknowledge the significance and move on to healing our loved ones and continue to protect ourselves, while moving on to the next defense strategy.

With mixed emotions, I wish blessings on all those affected by war...that would be every person living and dead. Bright blessings on a hope for a peaceful future, may our actions have the results we are working so strongly and courageously for, with few ill effects.

Ava

Even the Small Things Count: Altruism Journal

I want to make sure I get a good start on this journal. It is something I really want to keep up on, but I have a history of starting strong on things and fizzling out. I do not want this to fizzle! I want to build the momentum and keep it up!

It is important to note that when doing acts of kindness, many of the things we do will be small, but may have a big affect. Also, it is a good thing to keep an open mind to who the receiver of the altruistic act will be, it may not be another person, it could be Mother Earth, an animal, a plant, or even yourself. With that said, here are a couple of notable acts of kindness I took part in today.

I did sixty minutes of cardio today (twenty of it at higher resistance/ramp levels), and while I did this I watched a movie I had yet to see, and took a good break from the kids. Lots of little things going on here. First of all, cardio, I was kind to my body by working to get it into better shape! I want to be healthy, and I'm slowly working on it. I know a lot of what I need to do, it's just a matter of doing it. Today was good for that. Next, taking a break from the kids and watching a good movie was good for my stress levels and mental health. I'm going to be a much better person when I take time out of a busy chaotic lifestyle to do things for me. Today I succeeded and I did notice the results. To throw one more little one in there, I wiped down my machine when I was done. Not only is this good to do because touching someone else sweaty machine is gross, but it also helps to stop the spread of germs which I may have been carrying.

Here's to being kind to me today!
~Ava

Taking a Social Inventory

Ok, I've taken a quick inventory of my social circles and found that, well, I really don't have a lot of friends. I have a few close friends (love you guys), but other than that I found that I have a lot of people around me who are only friends when they have something cute to say on Facebook. I've reached out to multiple people in the military circle, the spiritual circle and some of my old work circles and I've found that everyone says they want to get together with me or help me out, but when it comes down to it, when I ask them, they don't have time and dismiss the subject immediately.

Please don't feel like this is a pity party post. It is not. I understand that I have high standards for my friends, so not everyone will fit into the mold of people I want to hang out with, in other words I don't like drama or negativity and avoid those things like the plague. I also understand that I need to get myself out there more, however, this is partially where the seeking out help and not getting it comes in, so it makes it difficult to break into new circles (again, thank you to my wonderful friends who do help when they can!).

Part of my spirituality is looking at life and finding the messages the Divine sends to me. I am a little hurt that my attempts to reach those who have called themselves friends isn't getting me anywhere, but it doesn't hurt me as much as lessor offensive things have hurt me in the past. This could be maturity and experience shining it's bright beautiful face here. It could be because I'm too dang busy to notice any other feelings. Maybe my depression is muting the feelings. Or, the answer I'm really leaning towards, maybe it's time for a change. Maybe this is my spiritual message saying it's time to go with the flow and the tide is moving out. I've gotten a little too comfortable and a change may spark some new energy. I have very little tying me down, and this realization about my circle of friends (which to be honest, isn't much different now than it has been; I'm just now noticing it), might be a message that it's time to pick up and find something new. I may as well let the spiritual tide take me where I need to be.

One thing I know about myself is I love routine, but I don't love it so much that I have to have it all the time. Maybe the best definition is a chaotic routine. I love having a general idea of what I'm going to be doing, and I can get comfortable for a few years, but then I'm ready to move on. When I left my college town and moved here, I felt like it was the best thing I ever could have done. The changes and experiences I had were amazing and taught me a lot. I think now I'm ready to move on again; the problem is when and where?

If we were to move on to another place, we have at least two potential routes to guide us, my husbands military career and my Masters degree once it's completed. I guess I could throw a third option in there and say my PhD should I decide to take that on. The thought of leaving doesn't bother me, I think I've done what I can here and moving on may be the best bet.

***Now, as a quick analysis my post, I notice it is guided a lot by emotion and water. I also notice a bit of grounding being needed. Passion and intellect are peeking their heads in, but I think I need to focus on Earth and Water for a bit and see what messages they have for me. The elements are friends that will always be there, and for that I am eternally grateful :)